So, how are things? Bad. Awful. She's back. The New Zealander is in my dreams now for some god awful reason. It's not her, she has to be a symbol... or is it her? I hadn't even thought of her but she started showing up... twice now. Maybe I'm just going crazy. She stands for some kind of idealism... lost idealism. It's not her in any sense, but what she represented to me at some point. I thought I was rid of this mess, but as I put myself out again apparently it's in the forefront of my subconscious.
Still, aloneness prevails. I don't have many people I can talk to about this... well I never had many. Now though, they all moved on, and I'm sitting here. It's like I missed something and I'm still stuck here and everyone else figured it out and left. Sigh.
Why do I even want a girlfriend? That doesn't even make sense to me anymore. I used to have some sort of a reason, but now I can't put it to words. The ideas are the same, but now they're laced with my own brand of bitterness it seems. The amount I invest into other people is tragic, and if I don't get anything back I'm hurt. It's awful. The last one... I realized after we broke up that we had already broken up. I had lost faith in the relationship a long time ago and we were only applying tape. Now, I am desensitized to the entire thing.
For one, I don't have a gut feeling for love anymore. It doesn't happen. There's no butterflies, no ping the brain, it's all rather sickeningly mechanical now. I get bashful occasionally, but the motions of it are purposeful, to try and make the other person take notice. How did I get like this? When did this happen? I know I've mentioned all this before, but now it just feels like I have a heart of stone.
I think more or less, the only reason I want a girlfriend is because I'm going to go mad if I have to take care of myself. Sure, I'll do it. Sure, it'll work. The methods are wrong though. It won't last. I've started talking to myself even. Just mouthing the words subtly is all. Then, I realize I'm going about this entirely the wrong way. It's time to pass another stage, Mark. Independence will have its price. I imagine the bitterness will get worse. I'll need someone to break away the shell (again). Someone will have to break apart the stone. It will happen. It has to happen. And if it's me that has to do it again, it's going to take a damn long time. It's going to be the same misguided help. More interested in putting labels and fixing things. My problem is complex, and I'm the only one that can stop it now. Until then I don't think I can make a relationship work. It'll last a few months at best. Maybe after a while some woman will come along that is something different...
I'll know it when I see it. There has to be someone out there that can just shatter my expectations. They've gotten lower and lower. It's not even that hard now. Someone out there just has to GET me. I tried with the last one, and she didn't get it, so I stopped. That's when I really broke up that relationship. Someone just has to be someone who I don't have to hide what I like to do. Someone just has to be someone who doesn't feel obligated to patch together a relationship. I hate fakers. I need someone I can really trust. I need me... but at a higher level. I'm so god damn vain.
I'll know it when I see it... I'll know it when I see it. Just sit and wait and I'll know it when I see it.
...
But riddle me this... why is the New Zealander there?
